Becoming balance and whole, this is my journey.
I’ve had scoliosis for most of my adult life, and it’s been uncomfortable to say the least…
Where does it come from, what the heck is it, and why do I have it? Is there something I can do about it, or must I really deal daily with this dreary experience of feeling like I am chained up, and not capable of using my body the way it’s meant to be. The way it’s meant to be, that is.. if I were given the proper environment.. more like, if I reacted to my life and environment in a way… that didn’t have me all jumbled up with an experience of fight, flight, fright, freeze.. in so many directions that I look in.
My perceptive vehicle.. has been booby trapped.
And for awhile.. I couldn’t look at life without that harrowing brow, crumpled and discontent, without feeling like my eyes were sunken in, my cheeks glom with sagging…
My head protruded forward in effort to try, try, try, do, do, do with a force and current that’s not natural to my nature.. For.. I always had to save the day… Again, and again and again and again.. Like a robot.. living my life to make sure that every one was okay. When I wasn’t.
I wasn’t okay at all. My entire body was wrangled with compression, pinching, snapped stuckness.. Tortured. By my own nervous system, and the flashing of muscles on, on on on on on on, in red, blasting red, always on in friction on, FRIGHT.
Fright of the world malformed me.
Did I need to be that scared, that tortured, that held in unsuspenseful disbelief that life could.. actually.. be.. god. Oh excuse me, I was going to say good. Yet.. well, my fingers or keyboard didn’t do the extra “o” so okay, it’s probably more accurate anyway.
I decided today.. to give myself a blogging challenge. 40 days (err, more like nights) of writing..
It’s been awhile.
And, I’m inspired. That as I unleash myself, detangle myself and remove the blocks and chains from my nervous system, my muscles, my bones. As muscles that had not fired in years fire, and muscles that fired non-stop for years, release themselves from their tortured burden of holding on, holding on.. holding on.. to the spaces that.. well.. are what it was coded with. Whether it’s safe or scary, whether it’s sacred or profane, whether it’s light or dark. it doesn’t matter. Yet, yes what does matter.. is the code, the algorithm, that had me sewed up in a way.. that wasn’t my nature..
What I’m saying is that.. I could have been 2 inches taller, beautiful and had a loving life.. if, and only if.. I knew how to take care of my mind, heart and nervous system.. If and only if..
Well.. I am doing it now. For I have taken hiatus from my life, any life I had before.. And the universe forced me to do it actually. And I cried and cried and asked the stars to help me.. So.. they took things from me.. to make sure that I look at what I want for me, most of all, rather than worrying about others, or listening to them…
This is losing the poignancy and become heavy with information.. I will tell of this story over time, I have no need to to tell it all to you right now. Except that… I am going to do this challenge. And I may not add photos, because well.. it does help, right?
Most importantly though, is that I get the information down.
I have been going through deep transformation.
And my spine is becoming aligned, balanced, detangled.. and so are my feelings, my thoughts, even my face, my skull. My entire bone structure, yet also my skin, and more. I’ll start with my face. For I have always believed in the reality that I could heal my spine.
And.. I’d hoped there’d be people in my life who’d help me and believe in me and it too.. Wooh, what a doozy..
Yet yes, I finally have a coach now.. who is helping me with my spine.. And, having just ONE person on the goal as much or even more than me. Makes all the difference in the world.
I have been alone with this for so long. And I hadn’t found anyone in my life to be on my side with this.
This helps so much. To have someone say to me,
“you have been holding so much shame in that space, and holding onto your pain body for so long, you have so much raveled up in there, you are all bunched up and hunched over and held behind…”
He understands!! Thank GOD!! Finally someone. Other people have convinced me to “drop” it. Um.. honey, can you see that I am like, 2 inches shorter, it’s not just that simple, though I’d love to. It’s a little more than that for me. Sorry, I was not cessarian section and I’m not a magical transmuter yet, though, of course, I would love to be.
And then he said, “I’m going to help you release all of this from you, you don’t need to carry this, it’s not you. you can do this, other people worse thatn you have done it and are not master yogis.. you will be walking straight and tall and enter the room with your high heels with all eyes on you”
THANK GOD. For someone who also believes in my life! Literally, in me, in my life, in what I am capable of, and I’ve known I am.. Thankful, so thankful for someone on my side, and so deeply. I couldn’t do this alone. And anybody who says I needed to do it alone is, sorry, not intelligent. I am not them, nor am I like anyone else. I am grateful for help. And when you look at my astrological charts. It says, specifically, that I am a tribes person, that my Identity Center is empty and is filled with the tribe. Thankful to know my tribe!!!!!!
My Tribe Are Energy and Frequency Healers. Period. If you (ex-boyfriend, ex-lover, ex-friend, ex-spastic-vengeful-authority figure) feel you need to control me and change my mind on my (loving) process. I say a big GO FUCK YOURSELF.
My transformation happens through a drawn out process, of feeling every bit of it, shift..
It’s just how I work. I’d like to skip over some of it, and let it happen subconscious yes.. please. Let’s have some miracle healings.
Because, dang. This is painful. This unraveling.
My body is all opening and.. ow.. it’s like muscles and bones that have been stuck in the same way for.. over 20 years.. are.. changing.
Like, I can almost walk with both hips engaged.
Like, I can almost walk with my left AND right side elongating.
Like, I can almost walk with a sway on the left and right of my back in the middle. That part didn’t even ever move.
I can tell you what the details of the “story” are that is shifting.
Yet, I’ll save that for a later date.
Let’s just say.
I can feel what I feels like, to feel good in my body. I can engage in the muscles going up both sides of my spine.
What you say. Isn’t that normal you my ask. Right? Well. Let me know, because I didn’t know that, my body had forgotten. And I was walking around, yes, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, except that I wasn’t that bad off, yet I was definitely a product of that lineage. I call us the Bone Lineage. Those of us who take our trauma into our bones, or carry them for our ancestry, there. And, we somehow store memory there, of experiences that are not to be forgotten.
So.. for a long time.. I thought I had to write those experiences. Yet, I suffered them. And I wrote, hoping to let them go. And actually, a lot of it, was let go, because I wrote it. I just had to get it out… so that I could move on. I wrote 17k tweets.. in a month. Just getting it out, in writing.
A kind of literal vomit.
And, now.. I don’t have to live that story anymore. It’s no longer me. Yet at one point, those thoughts roamed around and around and around in me. And I didn’t want them there.
More so.. in addition to letting it out. I cut off relations of those who were bothering me and my energy body to the nth degree.. and I investigate deep interests, from afar, and sometimes too close.
Tonight, I said, as I was acknowledging the pain I am having from the letting go, I said to myself, “if I were healing my back, from scoliosis (in the way that I am), I would want to know if the others had the same amount of pain as I have. Given. I am older now. I know when I was 14, there would have been no pain, and it would have been, really, super, easy. If I had just *believed* and if someone had believed with me.
Finally. There is someone who can believe with me.
Those around me seem to expect me to believe in this all by myself, all on my own, that I have to be “independent” and that I have to heal myself all by myself, and that no one should be my hero, and that they shouldn’t help me, and that I should help myself, and that no one should help me.
Excuse me. Do we have over 7 nearly 8 billion people on this planet?
And, I must be exclusive, and all by myself, and can’t have a community participate in my life?
Uh.. who is telling me this and why?
The Western world is a wee bit twisted. Don’t they get it, WE’RE NOT ALONE. And NO, it’s not ONLY GOD, who decides our fate, and that god is out of our hands.
Ooh, now this could get meaty…
Yet, I’m vegetarian (mostly), so this could get.. spicey.
Uh.. woah doggy, woah woah woah pull back on those reigns. We really don’t want to get into a deep philosphical thing-a-majig right now.
I am about to meditate.
And release more.
I have been doing some renewed rounds of FORGIVENESS.
I had forgiven a lot of people in my life a little and a few of them a lot, and some I couldn’t get to forgiving, yet knew I would.
I had to forgive myself first.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel bad.
I forgive myself for not holding my heart sacred, for not letting myself listen to my own heart.
I forgive myself for blaming and shaming myself constantly.
I forgive myself for being upset with myself every time I felt an energy surge through my body.
I forgive myself for not being able to identify what the feelings were inside of me and whether they were safe to have.
I forgive myself for clamping my expression, I forgive myself for feeling heart pangs of sadness, I forgive myself for crying and crying and crying, and calling out in the universe of the stars and blackness, and the dark moons.. for holding me sacred and delivering me to a world that love sme and takes care of me and understands me.
I forgive myself for being in worlds that didn’t do that, and sticking around in them, hoping they would.
I forgive myself for expecting these strangers who did not vibe with me and I didn’t vibe with, to be.. kind to me, and to vibe with me, because.. I am so lovely and why just won’t they love me?
I forgive myself for not feeling loved, and for not sticking up for myself when I wasn’t loved. I forgive myself for not knowing how to love myself in the face of having been blasted with hate and defamation..
I forgive myself for feeling when my body was taken over.
I forgive myself for being drugged and tied up and drugged and felt out.
I forgive myself for not remembering what happened with my body.
I forgive myself for the shame and pleasure I felt at the same time (if that’s what happened, yet I’d imagine it would have).
I forgive myself for feeling sex, when I wasn’t supposed to as a child.
I forgive myself for writing this and only letting my subsconscious memories of what all happened to me (and let’s just say the word “happen” came from the organizations who attempted to “keep me safe.”
I never found out what happened. Until these days.. when I lay in bed in my meditations.. and my whole body jerks and has minor seizures.
Only when the unravelling of the years of stuck energy, of the years of holding my body in a seized experience of “don’t touch me.”
Only after years of the little girl inside of me who is stuck on a loop of being freaked out.
Only after years of her screaming and no one heard.
Only after years of her hoping and hoping someone would come save her and soothe her nervous system.
Because, she didn’t want it, not that way, she didn’t want it.
If only.. the sexual coding of a rapist, on repeat, wasn’t so jumbled up with 1000 emotions at the same time and some that are so profane.. they couldn’t be iterated without being put into jail.
What happened, when my body was taken offline, off of its own trajectory of a “normal” childhood that is sexless.
What happened.. when I was so shamed for being taken into the underworlds by someone I didn’t really know, yet who had access to my bed at night.
This is too much to say for me.
I couldn’t walk.
I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t be me.
Yet there was much more to it then all of that.
And a lot of it had to do with my coding, the coding of my mind, body, heart, gut and nervous system experience.
ALL OF ME.
Was wired, not for my health and my wealth, yet for something else.
And yes.. I was in cahoots with it, whether I knew it or not.
No more blame. I have no need to point fingers and forget what happened and pretend I didn’t feel. Anything.
I can’t pretend I am normal, when I am two inches shorter and I can’t walk, nor talk like I know I am supposed to. Well, at least, like how I feel I came here to be.
I had dreams. Visions. When I was a child.
And.. I am here to live them.
May there be light.
Love, Love, Love and Light.
Let’s take this plight, and turn it into our delight.
We can. We have a choice. I will hope to share.
Yet most of all.. I will in the least, speak of my experience. I haven’t written here, because.. well.. I thought I was supposed to write something smart.
And well.. well.. that kinda requires a bit of negotiation with my mind.
Let’s have a free for all instead. Like I used to do. For this is the reality, this is the truth — I am healing my spine, I am becoming whole, I am discovering what it is to be in equilibrium, to be in homeostasis, to know what ecstasy in my body is.. and.. for so long.. I thought a boyfriend… was going to be with me on this, in on it.. like.. he’d *want* me to feel good.
Yes.. isn’t that what boy “Friends” are for.
Well.. I guess I haven’t really had one.
I am grateful for the lord of life, the lad of love, the man of kindness care and heartful momentum, who is in my life, loving me up with all his passionate and sexy joy, as well as intelligent mind landscapes and a heart of saturated.. coherent, wave forms of states of love…
Babe, I’m so stoked you’ve been working on your heart and that you are in coherence with your heart and brain.
I am coming there too.
We are grateful for each other, both.
(And hey. if you happen to read this, know that it is many native tribes who say, as well as the Gospel of Thomas that says, that to see it, be it, become it, live it as if it already is and be grateful for it as if it’s already there — well.. this is the magic formula…
And.. dang.. it’s been a road of me getting here, yet it’s happening! I am able to recode myself with better and better stories now.
It took me awhile. I assumed I had this capability earlier.. Yet, the circumstances in life.. had.. well.. uh.. I.. basically listened to them.. instead of me.. and I have been learning how to listen to me.
The Inner Landscapes of Love.. inside of me.. is my exploration now.
In ritual, ceremony, joy and life.. meditation, visualization.. all of it.
Sweet Dreams. Talk later.
Day 1. Winter Solstice. 12 December.
I will write daily until 11 February then.
Though.. high season is here.. and I may have days of.. well.. let’s see. I do want to do this.. I will find away. Voice to text on my new phone! Coming up!
Love love love.
Love D. You are.